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| I'm sooooooo sooooo SOOOOOOOOO glad I'm at APU. One thing I definitely had in mind while coming here was to make meaningful, God-honoring friendships with people who share me same beliefs, who will encourage me and challenge me to live a life of faith. And as of right now, I can say that I've at least found two girls who fit that description.
(It is Sunday, March 21, 2009. I apologize for my failure in completing this...almost three weeks later. haha)
On Sunday I was asked to fast for a friend. A future roommate. One of the girls mentioned. Just the fact that she felt comfortable asking me that...I was astounded. Sure, its never good to fast if it is not the desire of your heart. It didnt start out that way, but by the end of the day, I definitely was feeling the glory of God in my action. We were fasting for an additional roommate, which we are still looking for.
The point is, I have met two wonderful young women who arent afraid to show their vulnerability to me, their weakness, and their desire for God. I honestly hope I am doing the same for them. Just the fact that they asked me to room with them....I am thoroughly astounded in God, and how he has consistently given me the desires of my heart...Well, the ones he knows will be good for me. I have many desires that I can do without haha. I love God. He's very humorous and loving. 
I'm sort of at a loss of words right now. I just watched The Passion of the Christ and I'm not exactly sure how I should...well...continue life. Not in an extreme, oh my gosh, my life has been pointless until now kind of way....more like...oh...MY....GOSH. There is not one person in this world, NOT ONE who will love you, or do what Jesus did FOR YOU. He did it for YOU and YOU ONLY. I can barely comprehend how someone can love so much to sacrifice and suffer sooooo much. It is unthinkable, unbearable...I felt ashamed and guilty as I was watching the pain and suffering. Obviously it was a movie, but it should not undermine that this really happened. That happened to a man, it happened to Jesus...and throughout the whole ordeal...He was thinking of you.
He doesn't love us 'cause of who we are; He only loves us 'cause of who He is...
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| What if I had gone to Cal Baptist?
Would I have met #52?
What if I were more outgoing?
Who would I be friends with?
What if I had not stopped exercising?
What if I was vegetarian/vegan?
What if my parents were happy?
What if my brother had not moved out?
What if I live in Guatemala?
What if I were still with my ex...?
The last question. It always hits the hardest. It has been almost two years, and I'm ultimately glad where I find myself now, WHO I am now...but sometimes I cant help but wonder. It wasn't good from the get-go. I just never listened to my gut. The warnings were there. The consequences still arise now. It's life.
Songs were my attachment. Apparently I swoon at dedication songs. But I've taken it to another level. I have not seen my ex since almost two years ago. Haven't contacted him in over 3 months. I do wish him happiness, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes a part of me wishes he were miserable for the rest of his life for losing a great thing. But the songs he chooses, the artists he likes...I know how ridiculous this is going to sound, but sometimes I still think they're directed towards me. Not as dedications, but still towards me.
I don't tend to talk about this, well because it is a public site for one, and there is a chance that he will see this. But in a way, I want to talk about this. I always let out my feelings, especially concerning him. Mainly because I feel it was an experience that I can relate with other girls, but also to help others not feel the pain that I did, for them not to make the same mistake. God definitely was the one who brought me to stand after all of this.
I feel bad about the way things turned out. Especially for him. But, you know, they were decisions he made. I can't change anything now. And it is too late for anything. I miss his mom though. She's a great person.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is still an emotional tie that needs to be broken. And as we go into 40 days of lent (not a traditional church thing I practice, but I feel as if it will be beneficial to me), I want to connect closer to God. I bought "A Purpose Driven Life" for someone that I have not seen in a while, but maybe it was not a coincidence that I could not give the book away. It was meant for me. I definitely plan on reading it. I don't know what I have decided to let go of yet, but I'm picking up some things that will better me.
On a side note, God is just so wonderful. I know these small things seem to be coincidence or luck, but I honestly believe it is the hand of God. He's always looking after me, taking care of me. I have an aerobics class at 7:15am, and for the life of me, I could not wake up early at all last week for that class. I would wake up, but I would quickly fall back asleep. The lack of sleep was also catching up to me in sickness. I just kept feeling worse and worse...but I'm totally good now. :) weekends are used for 12hr sleep. haha. ANYWAY....you are only allowed two absences in the semester, and it would have been my second one on Wednesday. I felt so guilty for not going, I woke up to e-mail my professor an apology, just to have an e-mail in my inbox saying class was cancelled. Thank you Jesus! I got some extra-needed sleep, guilt-free.
In conclusion, there's tons more I could write but I have homework, a midterm to study for, and a room to clean because my roommate never does. Maybe my heartstrings will be pulled again to come reminisce or speak or blab, just let go of these things that sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who understands. But most of all, I want to reflect on what God has done for me, and continues doing for me. I take it for granted sometimes, but He knows exactly what He is doing. Especially when it comes to my emotions. :)
If there's one thing I would like to say to my ex, besides all the crap to make him feel worse than he might, or if he even cares anymore, it would be thank you. Thank you for breaking up with me. Thank you for opening my eyes to see what I otherwise couldn't see in my desperate want to help you, thinking you could only be fixed by me. You can only fix and change yourself, and I hope you do. Thank you, because for what I went through, I definitely am the person I am today - definitely stronger than before. God has a purpose in everything he lets us do and everything that happens to us. He always finds a way to bring me back home...
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| I dont care how ridiculous this sounds to you, Jesus is awesome. Ever since I visited my school, I was hesitant of my dorming assignment because I never took a tour of the building. All I knew was that it faced the baseball field. In my boy-frenzy at the time I took a tour of my school, all I remember pleading was please God, PLEASE let me be in that building to comfortably watch the baseball games. Honestly, I hadnt thought much about that until today. It was like an epiphany. God has given me the desires of my heart before, even if I only said them once. As long as I say them, God responds, in HIS time and HIS manner. It wasnt always the answer I expected, but God knew the answer would be the one that benefit me the most. I was just thinking how incredible God is. I dont know if I supressed that desire or it's somewhere in the depths of my heart, but I just remember asking God to place me somewhere I would be comfortable...and in view of the baseball field. Mind you, I'm not that into baseball, but I'm not going to say its boring because I dont know the rules of the game. Many times I've heard that volleyball isnt competitive, coming from people who've never played the sport before, so I respect the passion and dedication anyone has for their passion, be it a sport or an activity, because I wouldnt know its interest until I experience it myself. There's another desire that sparked at the time as well. That one being more personal, but in one way or another relating to baseball. I've met some really awesome baseball players...haha. Let's leave it at that. The point is, God gave me the desire of my heart, and I didnt even realize it until today. It has been two months since I started school. I just wanted to exclaim how my awesome God turns little things into big things. I didnt need to be in this dorm. I didnt need to have a perfect view of the baseball field. It doesnt matter, I wont watch it anyway. [Being as blind as a bat as I am I cant even see their faces! but you know...it's all about the game. HA! lol] But just the fact that God, he listened, and responded, thats amazing. I wouldnt find it a big deal if it hadnt happened before. Stuff like this has happened to me before, but on a much more personal level of desires. I'm just so glad of being a child of God. No matter how displaced I feel between my peers, my God knows why I'm here, and for what reason. Today has been awesome on that one fact. Despite everything else, that, that made my day. Realize that God has a plan for your life. He fulfills the desires of your heart. His hand is over you, and everything you do. Don't let it go. Be blessed! p.s. college life is UUUUUHHHHH-MAAAAYYYY-ZING! | | |
| Pat Benatar. The 80's were fabulous for you. My tiny little eyes never opened in the decade. The last post eerily touched on some subjects that came to reality today. Yesterday, if you want to get technical with me. All I can say is, I dont know. A part of me knew, knew for a fact that I would not be forgotten, but the realization that I'm not is just...weird. I have so many doubts and unanswered feelings, but the questions never come. Never. I guess thats what scares me most, because if I feel so doubtful, there has to be a way to feel certain. I know the way, but I dont dare touch on the subject. Despite my being VERY vague, if you know what I'm talking about, you shouldn't be reading this, because it probably relates to you. Friday was a blast. A disappointment at first, but a blast to that. I'm going to Hawaii! I hate that my mom already plans my future dates. Figuratively speaking. She thinks there might be a prospective but I highly doubt it. It'll totally mean marriage, believe me. SCARY. I still got 4 years to check out some of the hottest people of America! and then some. My friday bonfire was more emotionally connected to me than just being a bonfire party. I've come to value some very deserted friendships and have grown fonder to the realization that I cant be friends to all. I get as much input as I put into another relationship. I cant syncc my iPod because I accidentally deleted all of my music on my laptop, and it is forever stored in my iPod. Unless I get the most important of that music back, I'm only going to charge my iPod until some tragic event probably deletes my music life as I know it. I should be sleeping, but like I told mags pie, we both know I wont. At least not soon. Work beckons though. I'm only a morning person with my coffee. Oh my lovely, lovely coffee.  Live in Love. Because my iPod told you to. | | |
| I just realized my music choices have changed drastically since sophomore year of high school. hm. Change does occur...[obviously], I just like that I havent noticed it. So my birthday went down the crapper, how about yours? Yeah, I turned the big 18, legal age to smoke a cigarette. Go to jail. Get a license. What else? Like Diddy said...this too shall pass. Anyway, yeah, my birthdays arent that great. I like celebration. Mines never been celebrated...in a way I'd like. And this year seems to be no different. Oh well... Beach Boys always here to remind me of the summer. I love summer. I didnt even get cake... My dad gave me roses. I'm just blabbering here. I'm trying to figure out why it's bugging me so much abou yesterday. Sara, I love you for taking me out. It's just what I wanted. No matter how many times I secretly hate on you sometimes. lol. I'm alright, for the mort part. Gotta love me some me. I just hate how things are so unsettling. I just want answers sometimes, answers I cant get. Wounds to reopen, or heal? Friends are fleeting. Life moves on. Success is independent. I'll strive to make it on my own. Love, love, love....and take a chance on me. | | |
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